Just a dream.

I whispered to the richly embroidered wall, breathing life into its ancient death.
 "Where can I find Elysium?"
A moment passed before a small female voice replied from the depths of the wall itself,

"Before you."

An almost disappointingly normal notebook materialized eye-level in the air right in front of me. Red cover, almost pristine condition, one subject college-ruled (lol) but upon opening it was discovered to be numerous notes scribbled and drawn in numerous styles of handwriting by gods know how many predecessors who asked the right question and had the right knowledge.
So I added my own.
I added my love to my forebears, and to those that would come later.

The Elysium magick:
It spoke of how to drain the life force of others to replenish mine. Not to kill - just exhaust.
Never kill. But drain yes. Take it without asking.

Then there were some cracked-out gargoyles and vampires, Skyrim style. Such a nerd.
More later. I've got a headache.

Talking to Paulie makes me reflect... IT'S A GOOD THING, I SWEAR!

It's weird how things work.

Each new traumatic event cracks the shell that tragedy formed. I look back on the worst memories of my life with a sort of savage fondness, the ferocity of the energy it fills me with is legitimately insane. The filter through my thoughts is spattered with blood both old and new, and electrically charged.

Things that are broken... Things that are dead.

Some memories still have a horror sheen over them. "Did I really do that? Did my fragmented mind just make that up... how did this even happen to a kid like me, what the fuck did I turn into?" Honor roll straight-As. Awards from 'Presidents'. Perfect attendance. Some good friends that she played with every day for years. Happy times; simple times. Sane times, maybe.

Things that are broken...

Lock on the outside of her door so her mom or dad could trap her in. Glasses twisted in a mangled scribble from her father's flat-handed strike; because she was on the phone before her homework finished. Fingertips callused from a multitude of forced violin practice; calluses that were once sore or even bleeding gashes from erosion. Drugs... oh, drugs. Alcohol... OH, ALCOHOL!

Oh, where is my head at now? I am a whirlwind.

Things that are dead. More later maybe. I should get in the habit of writing this crap down so my psych can fit me for my straightjacket, lol

It's like I'm almost begging to throw up without actually having to shove my finger down my throat

I JUST sobered up from a pretty hardcore birthday drinking session.

I took a shot of straight vodka.
I'm eating cheese.
I have birthday cupcakes right by me.

It's a binge and purge waiting to happen and I'm not even bulimic!

Things are really getting difficult. I don't know what to do, or where to turn. Everyone has their own problems.

I'm worried about Mindy. She has SO MUCH stress the past couple days. I don't know what to do to help her. I would if I could, but is that enough?

I'm happy with Mike, but unhappy Mindy's jealous. I don't know what to do about THAT either. I can't help it, unless I uncollared him, which I -really- don't want to have to do. Until he finds something better, anyway.

I have personal problems. LMAO.

I JUST LICKED XIA'S LEFT EYEBROW, IT WAS DELICIOUS.

What do I do?

Xia and I have been repairing what was lost over the past two days. But he is silently unhappy that I have Mike.

I'm worried that Mindy is keeping her jealousy silent about him, too. *Actually, she's worrying me for a lot of reasons; many of them being her silence about the truths of her emotions. I love the girl; I want her healthy. She is not, mentally, right now. Not to say she's insane, far from it, she's far TOO sane. She has no outlets. She doesn't let me know the truth. It's blatant. She needs a haven. If I can't be it, I want her to find one who is. Oops I rambled, but then again that's the point of having a blog.*

Neko never liked Mike as my submissive; he says I favored him. Maybe I did, but only in terms of submission. Never in terms of a friend. At least they were equals. but as a Dominant I never knew where I stood with Neko, but I do with Mike... Ah.

All the signs are pointing to my uncollaring of Mike. But I gave Xia permission to take subs if I could take Mike, that's a good indicator of my desire to keep Mike. My jealousy is running rampant, but I even offered to help Xia take a submissive if it meant I could keep Mike. If only I could feel my two friends, one of which my BEST friend, accepted that bond... I'm not saying they don't. I'm just saying I get the (strong) feeling they don't.

Ugh. Fuck life sometimes.

And on top of that, I don't know how to deal with Neko. Literally every chat we have, he mentions my perceived "favoritism" and I have to defend everything I do. I'm about to just, snap at him and let him deal with the consequences. One of the only reasons I haven't yet is Min; I don't want her to have to clean up my aftermath with so much on her own mind already. Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the other, happier hand, I'm very happy with Xia today. He was very interactive and considerate. Our sex life is suffering, massively; but if he wants that, I'm okay with it. And my bond with Mike is strong. That's the source of my shame and frustration though. Therefore, I have mixed feelings about that fact.

That's what's new with me.

On xia and Min

I love my best friend. I really do. She's always there for me even though I'm a doofus more than half the time. She's been my rock the past couple days; I don't even know if she knows it really. So Mindyboo, if you're reading this, ILU!! I've never had a friend quite like you. You're stellar, and awesome, and so strong! I've really felt for you over the past day or so, you've had it so tough, but you're still willing to listen to me bitch and moan about such relatively trivial things. You deserve a gold star.

In other news, xia and I have sort-of-hashed out our problems. I've been trying to connect with him on a more personal level than usual today; sorta going back to how it was about a month and a half ago. We've really deteriorated, and it took a major fight for me to see that. It's not really a good thing, but at least it was caught at all?

I suggested he start a blog just now, so we could LITERALLY READ EACH OTHERS' THOUGHTS. I think that sounded cooler than it was once it was actually writ upon my blogomatic.

I'm so weird. May update more later, I'm amped on coffee!