Sunday, October 30, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
What do I do?
Xia and I have been repairing what was lost over the past two days. But he is silently unhappy that I have Mike.
I'm worried that Mindy is keeping her jealousy silent about him, too. *Actually, she's worrying me for a lot of reasons; many of them being her silence about the truths of her emotions. I love the girl; I want her healthy. She is not, mentally, right now. Not to say she's insane, far from it, she's far TOO sane. She has no outlets. She doesn't let me know the truth. It's blatant. She needs a haven. If I can't be it, I want her to find one who is. Oops I rambled, but then again that's the point of having a blog.*
Neko never liked Mike as my submissive; he says I favored him. Maybe I did, but only in terms of submission. Never in terms of a friend. At least they were equals. but as a Dominant I never knew where I stood with Neko, but I do with Mike... Ah.
All the signs are pointing to my uncollaring of Mike. But I gave Xia permission to take subs if I could take Mike, that's a good indicator of my desire to keep Mike. My jealousy is running rampant, but I even offered to help Xia take a submissive if it meant I could keep Mike. If only I could feel my two friends, one of which my BEST friend, accepted that bond... I'm not saying they don't. I'm just saying I get the (strong) feeling they don't.
Ugh. Fuck life sometimes.
And on top of that, I don't know how to deal with Neko. Literally every chat we have, he mentions my perceived "favoritism" and I have to defend everything I do. I'm about to just, snap at him and let him deal with the consequences. One of the only reasons I haven't yet is Min; I don't want her to have to clean up my aftermath with so much on her own mind already. Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On the other, happier hand, I'm very happy with Xia today. He was very interactive and considerate. Our sex life is suffering, massively; but if he wants that, I'm okay with it. And my bond with Mike is strong. That's the source of my shame and frustration though. Therefore, I have mixed feelings about that fact.
That's what's new with me.
I'm worried that Mindy is keeping her jealousy silent about him, too. *Actually, she's worrying me for a lot of reasons; many of them being her silence about the truths of her emotions. I love the girl; I want her healthy. She is not, mentally, right now. Not to say she's insane, far from it, she's far TOO sane. She has no outlets. She doesn't let me know the truth. It's blatant. She needs a haven. If I can't be it, I want her to find one who is. Oops I rambled, but then again that's the point of having a blog.*
Neko never liked Mike as my submissive; he says I favored him. Maybe I did, but only in terms of submission. Never in terms of a friend. At least they were equals. but as a Dominant I never knew where I stood with Neko, but I do with Mike... Ah.
All the signs are pointing to my uncollaring of Mike. But I gave Xia permission to take subs if I could take Mike, that's a good indicator of my desire to keep Mike. My jealousy is running rampant, but I even offered to help Xia take a submissive if it meant I could keep Mike. If only I could feel my two friends, one of which my BEST friend, accepted that bond... I'm not saying they don't. I'm just saying I get the (strong) feeling they don't.
Ugh. Fuck life sometimes.
And on top of that, I don't know how to deal with Neko. Literally every chat we have, he mentions my perceived "favoritism" and I have to defend everything I do. I'm about to just, snap at him and let him deal with the consequences. One of the only reasons I haven't yet is Min; I don't want her to have to clean up my aftermath with so much on her own mind already. Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On the other, happier hand, I'm very happy with Xia today. He was very interactive and considerate. Our sex life is suffering, massively; but if he wants that, I'm okay with it. And my bond with Mike is strong. That's the source of my shame and frustration though. Therefore, I have mixed feelings about that fact.
That's what's new with me.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
On xia and Min
I love my best friend. I really do. She's always there for me even though I'm a doofus more than half the time. She's been my rock the past couple days; I don't even know if she knows it really. So Mindyboo, if you're reading this, ILU!! I've never had a friend quite like you. You're stellar, and awesome, and so strong! I've really felt for you over the past day or so, you've had it so tough, but you're still willing to listen to me bitch and moan about such relatively trivial things. You deserve a gold star.
In other news, xia and I have sort-of-hashed out our problems. I've been trying to connect with him on a more personal level than usual today; sorta going back to how it was about a month and a half ago. We've really deteriorated, and it took a major fight for me to see that. It's not really a good thing, but at least it was caught at all?
I suggested he start a blog just now, so we could LITERALLY READ EACH OTHERS' THOUGHTS. I think that sounded cooler than it was once it was actually writ upon my blogomatic.
I'm so weird. May update more later, I'm amped on coffee!
In other news, xia and I have sort-of-hashed out our problems. I've been trying to connect with him on a more personal level than usual today; sorta going back to how it was about a month and a half ago. We've really deteriorated, and it took a major fight for me to see that. It's not really a good thing, but at least it was caught at all?
I suggested he start a blog just now, so we could LITERALLY READ EACH OTHERS' THOUGHTS. I think that sounded cooler than it was once it was actually writ upon my blogomatic.
I'm so weird. May update more later, I'm amped on coffee!
Monday, October 24, 2011
On jealousy and feeling slighted.
I'm not usually one to air my dirty laundry for everyone to see online. But I think I need to change that, starting now. You see, earlier I talked to Neks.
He had shown me a chat log from IMVU of xia's spontaneous adventures in finding a sub, interview and all. Now, I know having two pets myself, I should be okay with it, but I expected the same courtesy I had shown him. Like... Being told about it? A warning? Him NOT to allude to us breaking up during the interview? So I flew off the handle. Words were exchanged, and they weren't entirely flattering in regards to him. He had kept bitching about how I woke him up "only to yell at him" and I got nowhere conversationally. Partially because alot of me didn't WANT to go anywhere... So now I'm sitting downstairs with mom, confused and lonely. And mad. But not as mad as earlier.
I hit him with a pillow several times. But that's besides any point whatsoever.
I asked him if we should break up. He barely even reacted. As much as it would break my heart, I think this on-going blankness interspersed with arguing is even more heartbreaking in the long run. We (rarely) have fun, but the times are too few and far between to weigh that against a potential split. I'm trying to make this work, I really am. I'm biting my tongue at the bitterness, but it's getting to be ridiculous.
Ah, angst.
He had shown me a chat log from IMVU of xia's spontaneous adventures in finding a sub, interview and all. Now, I know having two pets myself, I should be okay with it, but I expected the same courtesy I had shown him. Like... Being told about it? A warning? Him NOT to allude to us breaking up during the interview? So I flew off the handle. Words were exchanged, and they weren't entirely flattering in regards to him. He had kept bitching about how I woke him up "only to yell at him" and I got nowhere conversationally. Partially because alot of me didn't WANT to go anywhere... So now I'm sitting downstairs with mom, confused and lonely. And mad. But not as mad as earlier.
I hit him with a pillow several times. But that's besides any point whatsoever.
I asked him if we should break up. He barely even reacted. As much as it would break my heart, I think this on-going blankness interspersed with arguing is even more heartbreaking in the long run. We (rarely) have fun, but the times are too few and far between to weigh that against a potential split. I'm trying to make this work, I really am. I'm biting my tongue at the bitterness, but it's getting to be ridiculous.
Ah, angst.
On being a new Mistress
I'm already intimidated by my role. I think taking Neko on was a bad idea for a newbie like me, because I want to find out what being a Dominant is truly about. Mike was a good candidate for this, but Neks... ah... he's un-trainable, basically. Well... that's not entirely true. Maybe he is trainable. But I don't have the heart to make him hate me while trying to do so. (Or worse, himself)
And Mike... that is just intimidating just by principle in its own way. Here we have a man who was loyal to one Miss for years, met her IRL, has had sexual relations with her, and suddenly he's my pet. I don't even know what to DO with him. So far his only task has been to e-mail me with what he expects from a Mistress, and he passed that with flying colors. I got a small novel in under a single day.
What the fuck do I do other than tell him he did a good job?
I escape to the Sims (No, really lmao.) to avoid dealing with my own pets, and in doing so I miss Mindy and my other friends, not like there are a ton of those haha. It's like I have to trade one for the other in terms of comfort.
It's turning out to be a bit much.
Maybe I'm not cut out for this. God knows I'm not confident enough to lead. I have trouble with demanding things without a "please" after it half the time, LMAO
But I'm secretly also enjoying all of this. Even the stress. I'm fucked in the head.
And Mike... that is just intimidating just by principle in its own way. Here we have a man who was loyal to one Miss for years, met her IRL, has had sexual relations with her, and suddenly he's my pet. I don't even know what to DO with him. So far his only task has been to e-mail me with what he expects from a Mistress, and he passed that with flying colors. I got a small novel in under a single day.
What the fuck do I do other than tell him he did a good job?
I escape to the Sims (No, really lmao.) to avoid dealing with my own pets, and in doing so I miss Mindy and my other friends, not like there are a ton of those haha. It's like I have to trade one for the other in terms of comfort.
It's turning out to be a bit much.
Maybe I'm not cut out for this. God knows I'm not confident enough to lead. I have trouble with demanding things without a "please" after it half the time, LMAO
But I'm secretly also enjoying all of this. Even the stress. I'm fucked in the head.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
And so MY blog begins
Well, here I am. Another blog. What to write about? Maybe my adventures with Mistressing. Maybe not. I dunno. I imagine it'll be the former; I'm not good at talking about nothing... However, I seem to be doing a stellar job with that right now. Anyway.
I'm a 24 year old woman who lives with her mom and boyfriend in a small, 2-bedroom condo. My best friend is Canadian, I want to live there in the near future. I have pets online. Two, specifically. One is also Canadian. It's a sign.
My life is mostly boring, interspersed with random bursts of manic bullshit of which I don't feel like elaborating at the moment. I like the Sims.
I like alcohol. But that's how I got two pets.
Anyway.
On with the show?
I'm a 24 year old woman who lives with her mom and boyfriend in a small, 2-bedroom condo. My best friend is Canadian, I want to live there in the near future. I have pets online. Two, specifically. One is also Canadian. It's a sign.
My life is mostly boring, interspersed with random bursts of manic bullshit of which I don't feel like elaborating at the moment. I like the Sims.
I like alcohol. But that's how I got two pets.
Anyway.
On with the show?
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